The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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