Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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