at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
