Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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