we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
