hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
