Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
