i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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