I accidentally had phone sex last night
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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