I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
