Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I will pee on everything he values.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
