Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
