i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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