Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
