My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
