Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
our cab driver is having phone sex.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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