like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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