cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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