I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
