I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well I just put wine in my tea
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
