please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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