I wanna bring you to show and tell
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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