Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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