Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
