Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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