Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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