T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
