Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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