At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
