So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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