evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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