Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this just has baby written all over it
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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