I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
FUCK WHALES
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
