i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
