do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
