Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize