She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Are my feet made of real feet?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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