Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
