I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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