Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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