i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
