I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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