I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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