I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
