just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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