So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize