I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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