We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
