You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
