can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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