New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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