Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
