Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
