dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
