so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
