I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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