My hand turned me down
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
