It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
